The Strawberry Letter: My Fiance and His Girlfriend

Dear Steve and Shirley,

I'm engaged to a man who used to date one of my friends. Their history runs deep, and he's still tied to her in many ways. They have property together, and they have a son. He always told me that he couldn’t see himself marrying her and that he wanted to be with me. I would always tell him he's crossing the line by talking about her to me, as I've been her friend for 20 years. Despite this, he and I started dating while he was still with her. She would complain about him not having sex with her anymore and said he was very distant. She told me he was only with her for their son, and I would tell her she should let him go because it was clear he didn’t want to be with her. She would always say it wasn’t that simple.

He says the same thing. He told me he’s not having sex with her or doing anything to make her think he still loves her, but he’s staying at the house for his son. He and I dated for a year before he asked me to marry him. I’ve met his entire family, and they love me. He spends the night at my house often, and we’re making plans to start fresh in a new city after we get married. He’s still waiting for the right time to tell his girlfriend that he’s with me. I suggested that we should tell her together, after the holidays.

I feel a bit guilty. I worry that she’ll end up hating me, but I didn’t take her man—he pursued me. My pastor told me there are no rules when two soulmates meet. My family thinks I’m a bad person for being with him, and they say our relationship won’t last. Why wouldn’t it? Do you think I’d be making a big mistake if I stay with this man?